Where Do I Begin?
Letting go isn’t something they teach you when you become a mother.
This post is a letter from 2021—a reflection on what it feels like to drive away after dropping your daughter off at college.
If you’ve ever loved someone so deeply it hurt, I hope this helps you feel seen.
The First Breath of Motherhood
Where do I begin?
This is the sentence I’ve used to start some of the most powerful, life-changing words I’ve ever had to write.
But really—where do you begin to write about a new chapter in your life?
The chapter that starts with… the day you moved your daughter to college.
I suppose you begin with the day you were born: April 23, 2002.
It was a Tuesday at 8:30 in the evening.
No one prepared me for this moment.
No book, no advice, no class can ready you for love like this.
Yes, I prepared by reading dozens of books and hundreds of articles on how to care for a baby.
But nothing prepared me for the life-altering moment they laid you on my chest.
I remember taking the biggest inhale I’ve ever taken in my life.
When I looked at you, the life I had been living was completely changed.
The Sound of Time Passing
A love I had never experienced grew inside me in a blink of an eye.
And my journey began as a mother to a daughter.
And the clock began ticking.
The ticking was soft at first… until it wasn’t.
The ticking was gentle and low, but as the years passed, it grew louder.
I drowned it out with life’s moments—laughter, tears, everyday joys—until the sound became unbearable.
Then it stopped.
As I drove away, while you stood on your doorstep, waving goodbye.
The Gift I Didn’t Expect
Motherhood: the life I chose with my whole heart.
I had you later in life, and it was a choice I made purposefully.
I never really dreamed of having children. It wasn’t something I thought about.
Maybe that’s why I was taken aback by the overwhelming love that poured out of me.
A love so strong it took my breath away.
It physically hurt how much I loved you.
You were perfect to me in every way—
Beautiful brown eyes, curly hair.
Every breath, every laugh, every memory… etched in my heart.
I soaked up every moment.
I inhaled your laughter. I watched every moment unfold.
I didn’t take a second for granted.
I heard the clock ticking, always.
No Regrets, Only Gratitude
I have no regrets.
No moments of “I wish I had.”
I really didn’t.
I gave you my life.
My world became you.
I documented it, wrote about it, lived it.
And still, knowing this day would come didn’t make it easier.
I knew I’d pay the price when you started your own life—
When I was no longer needed in the same way.
I knew the repercussions of choosing motherhood above all.
I knew I’d feel lost trying to rediscover my purpose.
And yet, it was all worth it.
Every. Single. Second.
Letting Go, Holding On
You grew into the most magnificent human.
Your kindness shined from an early age.
You lit up every room you walked into.
And then… it was time.
With God’s guidance, we raised you to be good, to be strong, to be yours.
We prepared you for this life-changing moment—
The moment when you were really no longer ours.
You were no longer in the proverbial nest.
We knew you were ready, even though we were not.
But there you stood, looking over your shoulder for one last look—
As I drove away, heart breaking.
The ticking clock had done its job.
And it was time to let you go,
So you could let your light shine in the world.
Grief and Gratitude Side by Side
I begin now by giving myself permission to feel all the feelings.
The grief, the pride, the ache, the joy.
God knew I’d need five years in between my daughters.
Five years until I’ll do this again.
And I already know—it will be even harder the second time.
To the Mothers Walking This Road
To all the mothers walking this path…
I begin by smiling.
Knowing I have an amazing daughter who is healthy, kind, full of faith, and ready for the world.
I begin by leaning into God.
By reminding myself that she’s only a phone call or a drive away.
To all of you mothers out there—
I hear you. I see you.
This moment is inevitable.
The clock is ticking.
Don’t waste a moment.
Live every second with love, with grace,
And with the understanding that one day, you too will whisper:
Where do I begin, when I drop my child off at college?
Much love,
Candy
